Clive’s essential holiday phrasebook

Checking In

Receptionist: Yes, it’s complimentary to all of our guests.

Clive: Wonderful! I’d best wear my trousers with the elasticated waist band so I can make the most of it then!

Receptionist: Would you like me to call the porter to give you a hand with your bags?

Receptionist: Here is your key. You’re in room 254. If you take the lift up the second floor it’s down the corridor on your left. If you need anything else just dial ‘0’ from your room.

Clive: Thank you.

Eating Out

Waiter: Hello, welcome to the Nobody Inn. Do you have a reservation?

[The waiter brings it over and also hands Clive a menu]

Clive: Thank you very much.

[30 minutes have passed and Clive’s friends still haven’t arrived.]

Waiter: I see your friends still haven’t arrived. Would you like to continue to wait?

Waiter: [Laughs to himself]. Excellent choices sir. The food will be with you shortly.

[Waiter arrives with his starter]

Waiter: Your Cullen skink sir.

Waiter: That’s not problem sir. Would the roasted vegetable soup be to your liking?

Clive: Yes, that would be lovely. Thank you.

[Waiter brings Clive his replacement soup]

Clive: Thank you.

Waiter: Enjoy your meal sir.

[Clive enjoys the soup. When he has finished, the waiter asks him how it was and proceeds to clear away his dishes.]

Waiter: Here is your Toad-in-the-Hole sir…and your vegetables. Would you like any mustard or other sauces to go with that?

Waiter: Certainly sir. And I will be sure to pass on your suggestion to my manager.

[Waiter returns with Clive’s mustard]

Waiter: Enjoy your meal sir.

[Clive has finished the meal and the waiter comes to clear his plates]

Waiter: Well sir, what did you think of Toad-in-the-Hole?

Clive: Well I have to say that was one of the tastiest meals I have ever had, and the onion gravy was a revelation. Please give my complements to the chef.

Waiter: I am delighted to hear it sir. Would you like to look at the dessert menu?

Clive: As tempting as that is, I think I have eaten quite enough this evening. Could I have the bill though, please?

Waiter: Of course sir.

[Waiter brings Clive the bill]

Waiter: Absolutely sir, I will go and get the card machine.

[Waiter gets the card machine. Clive enters his card details and the payment is complete.]

Waiter: Thank you very much sir. Have a wonderful evening.

Clive: Thank you, you too.

[Clive leaves the restaurant with a full belly and a feeling of endless possibility for his evening!]

Clive hits the town in search of a holiday romance.

Clive decided to head to a local bar to check out the local night life and to try his luck with the Bognor Regis ladies.

Match beginning of the sentence to the end, to complete some of Clive’s greatest chat up lines…

Clive goes to the beach

One sunny day, Clive got up early and decided to head to the beach in order to make sure he got a well-positioned deck chair for the day because he was keen to make the most of the good weather to top-up his tan. He observed the traditional etiquette of placing his beach towel on the desired chair and then proceeded to sit down.

After a while, Clive began to get thirsty and a little peckish and so decided to head to the nearest beach café in search of something to satiate his needs. Leaving his towel on the chair as a token of his reservation, he headed off in search of food and drink. Clive returned some time later looking smug. He had a 99 flake in one hand and a carton of Ribena in the other, he was really beginning to enjoy his holiday. Until… he realised his towel had been removed from his deckchair and had been carelessly tossed onto the sand beside it. Replacing the towel, and Clive for that matter, was a very stern looking, middle aged woman. He approached her with the intention of repossessing what was rightfully his …